Not done yet

It’s been a while since I put pen to page
Fighting the darkness on each step of the way
I’m making ground and I’m forging on
I’m feeling a heaviness but I’m willing it gone
I don’t want to give in to the relentless hours
But I can feel it pulling, swallowing desires
Taking my passions one pen stroke at a time
Telling me I’m not good enough, I must still try
I have been doing better with each passing week
But will take a little while longer getting back to my feet
Hiding it from those I love – admitting I’m lost, it’s easy to forget
The times I’ve come trough this… I’m not done yet

Happy New Year, survival, paying it forward and a hello to 2017

2016; a year of swings and roundabouts, as they say. This is just a post to tell a bit of my story of living with anxiety and depression. It’s not me dwelling (and I hope it doesn’t come across that way) I’ve chosen to do this because I’ve found it so comforting at times to read and/or hear other people’s and have a flicker of hope knowing I’m really not alone in this. I want to repay these people’s kindness in sharing their stories by sharing with my own, as a sort of pay it forward… *deep breath*

Firstly I want to wish you all the very best for the next year and your future in general. I hope 2017 is a beauty for you in whatever form that takes.

So here goes…

Continue reading

No

When I said no

You heard a challenge

Even though I told you

Of my fear of the damage

When I cried and left

You saw a chance

Even though I told you

That I’m done with this dance

When I said no

With fear, unstable

You abused your power

Knowing I was vulnerable

When I said no

It wasn’t in grey

But somehow feels ambiguous

In the cold light of day

But I was complicit

I also took part

So with shame in my voice

My expression is through art

Design article link

Meisner’s approach to design written by Jo Hopkins

“Meisner’s approach is a technique which champions a ‘free-writing’ style of exploration…”

https://t.co/pZ0vOSNAw0
Whether you’re blitzing through sketches of interface interactions or hastily scribbling voice interactions for an ambient device, see if the Meisner approach can help you iterate initial thoughts faster and explore more, or even new, possibilities.

Silence

A silence so heavy and hollow

It can wrap it’s fingers around your heart

Reaching through the inner shouts

And tormented voices

A silence so thick and empty

It can wrap itself around your mind

Reaching through to highlight the doubts

And question all your choices

The difference between lonely and alone

Is that silence you feel when all voices are gone

It’s that intrinsic belief you will always be one

The isolation is in your bones, as this heart-gripping silence becomes your home

Drifting

Sometimes it’s the small things

The beat

The moment

The suspension of attention

When a screen is more interesting than you

When the laugh is somehow disconnected

The look is skips a beat and no longer lingers

When the fondness is still there but distracted

And those small things

Combined with a name

A glance at the wrong moment

Hold your breath

Feel the kiss

And then the truth

It’s all in your head

Relief

Distance is un-quantifiable

Between breaths

Between beats

But when its there

Your heart sinks

Or the delusion

Is it all in your head?

Sometimes it’s the small things

The beat

The moment

The suspension of attention

And you suddenly realise…

You’re… drifting

Skip, breathe, leap

There’s a moment, an unquantifiable measure of sound,
of time, of intention and of desire
Where a heart-skip descends into a heart-break
Or a heart-break lifts to a heart-skip; like fire.
Take that ghostly uncertainty by the hand and be found,
in that moment, that heart-beat, that breath
Where first-love descends into love-lost
Or love-lost gives live to new-love; what’s next?

To take chance by the horns, leap into that heart-beat-skip-break
And know that this chance on your secret love, was your chance to take.
Stifled and stilted like your words as you untangle
to make sense of the metaphors by which your muse is strangled.

Take a leap into the unknown, it’s necessarily to risk,
in that second, that baited-breath; to love?
Where doubt and second chances, intertwine and dance
Or they part like stifled-breath with relief; is it enough?

Take a moment, by the hand and a leap into ‘unkown’
With baited-breath your heard skips; in a beat, in love but unshown,
Where the moments and memories collide in your head
And your eyes lock again with a history unsaid

You say “I still love you”
My thought; Requited.

You say “I miss you”
My thought; Decided.

Quartet – a theatrical review

Having been surprised by an invite to join some friends this evening to see Quartet at the Cheltenham Everyman Theatre I’m delighted to say I was not disappointed. The lighthearted and joyous delivery of this show performed with beautifully on point comic timing and some beautiful one liners thrown with stunning comic confidence – from both Wendi Peters and Paul Nicholas – was truly enjoying to watch.

The set was gorgeous and invited you to feel the stature of these four characters’ environment, you could almost smell the rich age of the wood panelling within which they sat and feel the subtle breeze that could be seen gently waving the thin curtains like gossamer threads. It certainly painted a contented picture.

The use of architecture was very homely, you felt the comfort the three, more long term characters had in their new surroundings, but not without their own personal physical discomforts.

The physicality throughout was mostly subtle and endearing and familiar but unaffraid to be comical at times. It felt at times in the first act that it was almost too sedentary but that it kept just the right side of that balance to keep me engaged. And in the second act the cast’s physicality came into it’s own with the preparation and naturally more animated parts of the show.

Paul Nicholas’s delivery was on point and a real stand out performance for me; with his dry wit, sexual references, and sarcastic comments. Delivered with such ease and joy, seeming to delight in the constant berating by his companions.

Which is not to say I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the performances of the rest of the cast. Wendi Peters for example, who I thought was fabulously cast as Cecily Robson – with her almost ‘Kitty-esque’ cadence and at times childish energy making a refreshing change of pace always stumbling either physically or vocally into the scene.

Jeff Rawle beautifully played the steadfast, if somewhat explosive, member of the group – stepping up to take the reins and enforce some structure to the chaos. His desire to question and define art was endearing, and his sincere dislike for the nurse was a gorgeous distraction to both him and the audience throughout.

And finally Sue Holderness played Jean with a lovely energy which instantly made you feel there was more to her than her first impression would have you believe. The disappointment at being in such a place and her snobbish attitude towards other residents brought in a lovely conflict to the room. But she travelled both physically and vocally throughout the piece, by the end seeming to embrace the comfort of her new surroundings in the same way her friends did.

The final moments were beautifully presented and it was hard not to smile and revel in what these four characters had achieved. I ended the show with a lovely smile on my face and a beautiful phrase left lingering in my mind:

“Art is nothing if it doesn’t make you feel”

So thank you to all involved for a lovely heart-warming show with some good chuckles on the way.

Silence

A silence so thick, so deafening

I can feel it closing in around my cage

The cage supposing to protect my heart

The silence stifles as I force my breath to engage

A silence too cold, like lightening

I can feel it’s breath taking hold of my heart

The breath supposing to offer a beat of peace

Where my breath stutters, Silence’s breath starts

Out of reach

There’s a moment

In this turbulence

The trepidation as I step up to the crossroads

Where I realise

There’s a disturbance

The fear holds my heart steadfast as it implodes

In that moment

I realise, as my heart splits

There’s this void in myself that can’t be made complete

I’m still in love with you, despite it all

But I simply want to live

Is it too much to ask

Of my heart

To ask of you

Without falling further

Without falling apart

The life I have.

Not on the edge of what’s out of reach

Lament

Sometimes there’s just no space to feel anything

Other than what’s expected

Go through the motions

Do what’s predicted

Don’t cause a fuss

And stay unaffected.

Sometimes I lament

I prophesise and I long for,

Just sometimes I feel it would be easier,

If I could be gone for

A heart beat or a moment

A moment, a minute

For peace or atonement

Knowing what I know,

What I feel and what I see

Not understanding a future

Despite or including me,

I put my strength and emotions to the test,

If I or my heart or my accute emotions

Were no longer around

Some how, and some times

I feel it would be best

To stay where your feet

Your hopes and heart hit the ground

I lament

I don’t hope

Sometimes

I don’t wanna cope

Whatever that means

And whatever they say

My moments and seconds

Are mine to play

Captivated

Intoxicated by you

I can’t resist your heart

But you tell me you still love me

And it tears me apart

Enraptured by you

It’s always like a dream

But you’ve chosen head over heart

So you will never again choose me

Infatuated with you

The way we connect the way we spark

But you’ve made your choice with no regrets

Whilst I’m trapped inside your heart

Captivated in a desire that is requited

To never be, and yet forever be yours