Too late

A poem about a woman unable to overcome her fear of trusting and sharing her feelings with the one she loved

My heart waits for unrequitedness
And then my speech is free
My mind tells me I’m safe to feel
When hearts no longer feel for me
It’s a pattern of behaviour
And a rhythm I can’t break
It’s my heart and head I battle
Then my confession comes too late
I’ve loved and lost before
I’ve always wanted to resolve
I’ve never understood myself,
Or how my head and heart revolve,

It’s my fault, my selfish stuttering, my emotion – I’ve denied
When you asked me and you held me
My mouth shut me away and lied

It’s an obscure self protection
Railing ‘gainst trust and fate
I fumble and reach to break this curse
When I do, I’m just too late

I so badly want to say it
I so badly want to speak
To tell you how I feel for you
But I know that I’m too weak

I used to hold you close,
Hold you tight, and hoped to find
The courage to tell you outright,
Not hope in vain, you’d read my mind

With another I see you share these looks,
The holding hands, holding breath
The intensity I know I had,
Too late; my heart’s left bereft
I’m told I am to thank it
The barrier that keeps me safe
But I want to cut it out of me
And finally admit my place
It’s a selfish pleasure
It’s a a hidden, cowardly thing
I want to break away, be free,
Let my heart and love just sing

To try would be a burden, to succeed would be the best
Then I can try and succeed in the love I seek
And not be the broken one that’s left

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