Not done yet

It’s been a while since I put pen to page

Fighting the darkness on each step of the way

I’m making ground and I’m forging on

I’m feeling a heaviness but I’m willing it gone

I don’t want to give in to the relentless hours

But I can feel it pulling, swallowing desires

Taking my passions one pen stroke at a time

Telling me I’m not good enough, I must still try

I have been doing better with each passing week

But will take a little while longer getting back to my feet

Hiding it from those I love – admitting I’m lost, it’s easy to forget

The times I’ve come trough this… I’m not done yet 

Morning light 

Waking up with a lightness in my mind,

As I realise it’s only a matter of time.

The sunlight breaks through the cracks,

Seeking, tripping, pouring a delightful attack

On darkness, it slices and tumbles in a dance.

A complimentary juxtaposition, cutting silence,

The dust swims between these realms,

Like their dreams are fighting fears at the helm – 

Jutting, falling landing on my skin,

Their ferocious fragility echoes within.

A touch you can see but not feel with any weight

But the comforting warmth of the beams, that I break

With my hands, as they tango in light with the dust,

Reminds me beauty is there – if you look hard enough.

Contrast

When I can see the sun
But not feel it on my skin
When I can hear the music
And my heart won’t tune in
When I see your eyes alight
But the tenderness is gone
When I’m taking strides
Pretending to be strong
In it there’s despair as black as the night
But in me there’s one last flicker, one last fight

Didn’t you know?

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s gone, the girl you knew
I’m an illusion of what you saw
Helping to carry her through
Through the “good morning!”
The daily jibes and jokes fly
The facade and feverish delightedness
Until I carry her home to cry

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s not sleeping, not laughing
I’m keeping her together now
She’s too vulnerable, a fragile thing
She’s still captivated by your lies
Lead through a dance by your games
I’m desperately keeping her hidden
In the hope she’ll return one day

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How you broke her heart, didn’t she?
Too afraid you’d laugh and shrug
She didn’t because she’s not me
So that’s why I’m here, finding my way
Through her ferocious white fear
Taking hold of her shattered heart
So that all you see is one tear

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How she’s an echo, tethered to despair
Whilst I’m hunting for hope in her heart
She falters, flinches at each glare
With a heavy heart I begin again each day
But with each day I’m more strong
Because I can see she’s not totally lost
I can see she’s still holding on

Dear J Doe

Dear unknown, my John or Jane doe

So it’s been a short while since I wrote, 

Anything.

A poem, a micro poem or even a rhyming couplet. 

I’ve been back under a cloud, sad to say it’s been a dark week or so, 
I want to get back out of the rut. So I’m writing this. 

A letter into the abyss 

Of online semantical depths of a potential echo. 
They say to write what you know, 

What’s true to you, say it as so. 

But sometimes that’s not something anyone would want to read. 

I always try to write for ‘another me’ to pay it forward 

To those who may take comfort that they are not alone,

Or just because I see, feel or hear something poetical. 

Self indulgent really, to a point. 
I hope to be back in my stride soon 

But to write what I know 

Write and feel what I feel 

Can sometimes feel 

More 

More precarious 

Than keeping it bottled up inside. 

So, dear John, the John Doe – or Jane, 

What’s in a name? 
I hope you’ll take my silence as read. 

I want to believe it’s a strength, 

Protecting those to whom some of my demons are tethered, 

In some vein hope I can retain a sense of hope. 
Hope, my current endeavour. 
I’ll be back on scribbles, 

I’ll be drawing and sketching again.
But for now my heart and mind need protection 

From my passionate desire and dark passengers

Who haunt me

Taunt me.
This letter is a declaration of hope. 

A shout to those on the edge of despair, 

Join me on the brink of somethingness, 

A defiant gesture to the ghosts and apprehension 

That haunt. 

And taunt.

So… I –

I thank you for reading, 

Dear John and/or Jane,

And I hope to be with you, 

Be back, 

Living.

Again.

Sincerely,

Doe

Thanks for your ongoing support folks, much appreciated,

Be well and stay strong, 

Josie xx

Heart of Gold

“She’s got a heart of Gold”

They say through their smiles

“She’s got such a good heart”

They say, delighted, in denial 

For it’s what they don’t see

That makes it truly shine

It’s the shadows she keeps hidden

That make her kindness devine 
For the fractures and splinters 

Of that self-same heart of Gold

And the kindness and empathy

Of which is always told

“She’s got such a pure kindness”

They say on a whim 

“Always thinking of others”

Never looking within
But it’s the shadows and darkness

Of such depth and dispair 

A cadaverous heart-ache

That never reaches the air

Her hands always reach out

As her smiles do to her eyes

A mere cloak for an emptiness 

That all her efforts must abide  
But her heart of Gold

And the delight seen by others

Takes a little of the sting 

Out of the darkness uncovered 

She truly does care 

It’s a prophecy to fulfill 

Her heart of Gold 

Can help keep her thoughts still
So a thank you to all

Who encourage her so

Your perception of her Golden heart

Is a cornerstone of her hope

The courage that you give her

And the hope that you may steer

Help to bring light into her eyes

And dullness to her fear

By your leave

Sometimes it’s best to step back

Step away

Trip away 

Remove yourself from the situation
Sometimes it’s safer to hold back

Trip away

Step away

Hold your tongue and unanswered questions 
Sometimes it’s kinder to yourself to be cruel and bold

Take your leave

And by your leave

Hold your searing pain and burning passions 

 
Sometimes it’s kinder to yourself to appear kind but feel cold

Take your leave

And by your leave

Take control of your own fate, your decisions
Sometimes it’s easier to leave than to be left behind

So take your time

Trip away

Hold your tongue

Step away

When it’s a daily trauma you find
Take your leave

Keep your questions

And by your leave

Tame your passions

Sometimes it’s crueler to be kind

Tongue tied

All those questions you always and never want to know 

All those feelings you always and never want validated 

All those answers you never yet always want to hear 

All those things you never but always want to remember 

Did you just get bored?

Did I do something?

Did you ever really love me?

Did you mean anything you said?

Did I ever know you?

All those things that make you grateful for being tongue tied

All those things that make you hate being tongue tied

All those feelings that chocked you and you’re glad of being tongue tied

All those questions that made you stumble, being frustrated that you’re tongue tied

Do you care?

Do you even understand what it means?

Do you have any idea?

Do you ever think of me?

Do you miss me?

Being tongue tied is a blessing and a curse

A double edged sword you can hold in a moment

Being tongue tied makes you fragile and strong

A catch 22 that completes the circle 

Being tongue tied gives you a voice, makes you mute 

A moment of madness and relief

Being tongue tied keeps you safe but on edge 

Moments of clarity and dispair 

Do I miss you?

Did I love you?

How would I feel if you asked it of me

Did I mean what I said?

Do I think of you?

How would I have responded if you asked it of me

So guess being tongue tied has its own relief

So maybe I should take solace, being tongue tied in my grief 

Memory

In the coldness of night

And the darkness wraps around her

She closes her eyes to eacape

From the thoughts that find her

Back to a moment 

When contentment was home

Where she felt at one

She’s not lost or alone

Stepping into the memory

She looks up to the sky

Where she sees the clouds

Lingering, slowly drifting by 

The feeling of smallness

As planes leave ghosts

Distantly and tenderly

Slicing the sky, they boast

Freedom and defiance

Coasting round the world

Did they know the dreams

Of this little girl

She had dreamt of being one

And seeing what lies beyond

Where these metal birds flew

Over fluorescent horizons

And now as she sits on the grass

In the golden glow of summer

She catches sight of these birds 

And is reminded of her 

But sees the birds now 

In their metal and their stealth

On a track and on course

She whispers to herself 

“Their just like me”

The world’s beyond and 

Defiance of limits 

Where the illusion of freedom

And the dream that went with it

But the warm breeze comfort her

And the grass take her hand

She was contented with life

No matter those little girls plan

Not free as a bird 

But free as a plane 

She opens her eyes

And it’s gone again. 

Time

Time stands still, but the world rushes by
She waits and wonders, no longer can she cry
She pushes for time, she pulls back the world
Longing for comfort as her fears unfurl

She feels her mind race as her heart stops a beat
Chasing the world, turning, her tumbling thoughts retreat
She looks to the sky for the hope of a cloud
A reason to feel darkness and speak her fears aloud

She glances at the floor as her stomach falls and flips
That falling feeling engulfs in a second, but the ground is solid where she sits
She’s chasing time as she just sits
Chasing through memories and the bitter ‘what if’

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