Apprehension knocks

A poem about the realisation that it’ll be okay, overcoming heartbreak and anxiety with a best friend

Apprehension sits
Like a weight on my chest
Parroting my every thought
With ghosts of ‘What if?’
Apprehension waits
Sitting heavy on my thoughts
Mimicking my every move
With whispers of a myth

Apprehension knocks
At my ribs with my heart
Echoing the panic
That’s hidden by a laugh
Apprehension trips
Over my tongue with clumsy
Repeats of ‘perhaps’
And the words from the past

Apprehension tangles
Knotting my fingers together
As they search for safety
Hunting for something, just speak
Apprehension strangles
Knitting my thoughts together
As they twist and turn
Hunting for something, just speak

Apprehension leaves
In a whisper of a smile
As you lock eyes with me
As I remember what we had
Apprehension walks
Limping in retreat
As I miss you but love you
For your kindness I’m glad

Apprehension sleeps
Forty winks of peace
As your company comforts
And your laughter delights
Apprehension falls away
As I realise I don’t want you
But I Love you
It’s a small step back to life

Empath

A poem about acute empathy and sensitivity to others and the atmospheres/rooms you walk into

You’re too sensitive they said
As the words hurt and cut deep
Your too sensitive they said
As the echoes haunted my sleep
Too sensitive, man up, ignore it
Were the phrases to spur me on
But I grew to realise, almost too late
That their negative sensitive was wrong
So the words cut deep and the looks sliced through
But my being too sensitive makes each feeling new

A step into a familiar room
Like a leap into the unknown
Oppressive, warm or a hostile place
Even a strange one can feel home
Sensitive to atmosphere
And how others relate
Not comfortable in my own skin
It can turn to self hate
But it’s just the volume, the noise of the world
An a series of events that simultaneously unfurl

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In your arms

A sketch Inspired by some meat loaf lyrics: ‘In your arms I think I’ve found the safest place to fall’

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Sometimes there are moments
Where you feel you’re free falling, fast or slow,
Sometimes in those moments
You find a new hand that you can hold.
When you feel the most invisible
Feel absent, lost or disengaged,
In your disconnected haze you find
Comfort, unexpected, in a heart once estranged;
It’s like a new breath –
It’s like a jolt, like a flicker –
Something to keep holding on for,
As the fears and shadows wither.

Love, Juxtaposed

A love that feels inevitable, but knowing it’s not right or possible; tangling with the conflict of emotions

Do I leave you behind, to be like memories I’ve known,
Because I can’t have you, because I’m alone.
If I tell you, you’ll be stuck, as I find myself now,
But between requited-unrequitedness,
and that solemn golden vow.
Jealousy tells my heart you are beautiful,
Desire tells my heart what’s more meaningful.
My heart with cautious delight says ‘go on’
I’m lost in your divinity, I’m lost in your song
But the pain says you’ll walk away
I’m lost in your talents,
you take my breath away
Honesty tells my heart you’re not right for me
Truth tells my heart that it will break, but it will be

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Reflections

A monologue; one of a Grand Guignol style production ‘Cabaret of Confessions’

Imagine this… to begin… Arson. Murder. Destruction. A child. Alone.
The empty shell of her home reflected in the tears in her eyes, we watch as they fall. The smell, the dry smell of the cinders as they dissolve into ash around her. Choking her… as she crouches. Half lit by the remaining flames. Flickering.
She reaches to her mother. Her body barely visible through the half-lit smoke. Motionless. The child fumbles forwards, hugging the corpse. Rocking. Sobbing. Her sister’s body lies near by, her father is no where to be seen.
Suddenly a near by mirror smashes in the heat… sending glass flying towards her. She screams in pain. We see her scream in pain… but her screams are silenced… drowned even, by the remaining flames as they destroy what is left.

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True Friend

A poem describing a connection to a loved one

Those breaths I hold tight when the happiness won’t come
Breaths I carry lightly when the dizziness follows me home
Those breaths I control when I want to take it all away
Breaths I can’t catch when my darkness breaks the day

Your words that shelter me from my thoughts and my fear
Words that take me away from shade and the edges I’m near
Your words that move me to feel free, light and escape again
Words that lift me and put perspective to my pain
Looks that hold me on the edge to keep myself here
Your looks that shoot down the sickness that feeds my fear
Looks that take me home and the worry that forces the mask
Your looks that keep me pretending to make this feeling last

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So she sits

This is quite what you might call a ‘raw’ poem about depression, As a woman loves, waits and holds on to her Partner through a tough day.
Published on Spillwords December 2016

So she sits.
We sit, together – but apart.

She waits and wonders if things will change.
Her disengagement from the world humble and acquiescent.
At peace with the turbulent thoughts that she stumbles through.
There is no time left to wonder or wander through time.
The heat of the passion which no longer burns was matched only by the furnace of ferocious fears which tore her apart inside.

We had waited. I always waited.
Waited, unaware of the pain she was in.

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Wallpaper

A poem to illustrate those moments where fading out is a comfort or freedom from anxiety, or when the everyday seems overwhelming

Enticing in its familiarity
Terrifying in its ferocity
Alluring in its predictability
Isolating in its contorted comfort

To tired to fight but a light, a flicker of something keeps her here
Unable to catch enough breath
Unaware of the world beyond her thoughts
Self-centred and alone in the thick darkness and heavy silences

It’s just wallpaper. It’s just an escape.

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