Rain, reflected

The rain thunders lightly on the floor,

With each tap-thud-drip my heart sinks some more

The greyness and the thunder

Like the beast inside my chest

Pulling at the fractured shards

Never stopping, he’ll never rest

The rain reflects the light in each falling gem

Like the flicker in my heart that I’ll be whole once again

The dancing of the light

Like the sprite inside my mind

Holding onto the smallest glimmer

Knowing it will pass in time

The rain runs and runs, pouring across the scene

Like the cascading fear and tears I choke-back; not to be seen

The lightening startles, it cuts

Like your words through my facade

Intricate, beautiful but broken

Why do I let down my guard

The rain thunders, reflects and runs, like a river to a stream

I’m saddened by how much it still hurts that you could be so false with me

Waiting

The stories that spin
Weaving, woven, wondering and repeat

In the waiting in the silent din
Whispers, words, wanting in defeat

The habit of time
Passing, pushing, parting and repeat

With each tentative step of mine
Tripping, treading, turning in defeat

Waiting for… What am I waiting for…
Wandering, what I’m watching and waiting for…
A life from the sidelines… a glimpse from outside
A wallpapered retreat is all I can find

Motivation required
Floating, falling, finding and again

To push through what’s mired
Gripping, grasping, grappling in vain

The habit of time
Skipping, spinning, slowing in vain

Each torturing thought I find
Weaving, wondering, whirling and again

Waiting for… What am I waiting for…
Wandering, what I’m watching and waiting for…
A life from the sidelines… a glimpse from outside
A wallpapered retreat..? I’ll pass this time

A Chance

It’s been hard to take, and hold two things as one
Understanding that I’m hurt, yet my feelings for you are gone
Not forgotten, not dead, not nothing,
Just not breaking and twisting and turning.

How can that be, that these two are okay,
That it hurts like nothing else, that I lost you in that way
That I care, that I miss, that I cry
But for the past, for hope, for what’s denied

It made no sense, and for so long I fought
The pain meant I still loved you, or so I had thought
And I do, and I did, and I don’t as I did
This new equilibrium means both can live

I still care, I still cry,
I still hold on to the lie
But to be hurt, be lost, but not alone
I can now reclaim my heart as home

Good luck with your love, and I wish you both well
For the time that’s elapsed has had my heart in hell
But knowing they’re separate, the pain and the past
Means we have a chance of healing, for both of us – a chance

Careless

Drawing it out
With each passing day
I’m hurting in my heart
As you push me away
So much is unspoken
In the year that has passed
Storytelling in silence
To make the hope last

I don’t want to play games
Or hurt you in turn
I only wish you were careful
If only you could learn
That each mention of her name
And each nod to the past
Just keep reviving my pain
It overwhelmingly lasts

Continue reading

Not done yet

It’s been a while since I put pen to page
Fighting the darkness on each step of the way
I’m making ground and I’m forging on
I’m feeling a heaviness but I’m willing it gone
I don’t want to give in to the relentless hours
But I can feel it pulling, swallowing desires
Taking my passions one pen stroke at a time
Telling me I’m not good enough, I must still try
I have been doing better with each passing week
But will take a little while longer getting back to my feet
Hiding it from those I love – admitting I’m lost, it’s easy to forget
The times I’ve come trough this… I’m not done yet

Sometimes

A quick bit of free writing falling its way onto my tiny phone keys as I travel

Somedays she feels lost
Sometimes she feels completely secure
Somedays there’s a cost
Somehow she will always endure
Some may see her and say she has less
Some are unaware how their thoughts oppress

She sometimes has no shadow
Some days she has no sense of being
She sometimes has no echo
Sometimes she has no way of seeing
Some may see this as a lesser thing
Some are unaware how her heart and mind sing

She feels so acutely, empathy is her curse
She can also feel nothing, nothing can be worse
More richness, more fear, more darkness, more light
More empathy, more despair but most of all more fight.

The gift (#TastyPoem)

Originally one of my micro poems on Twitter the prompt word Oblivion (#TastyPoem) was the inspiration for this one.

She paused, what was it, what was it she could almost see,
Almost feel, to touch, an unsteady, feeling; uncertainty.
But an excitement too, with her stomach floating high
But her heart falling heavy,  she exhaled with an overwhelming cry
As if from nowhere her eyes filled with tears – un-cried
It was as if she was looking on, not in but outside.
Then it was clear, in a moment she knew,
Her pattern of remembrance was right on cue.

The divine coloured crimson caught in a crystal beam,
Reminded her of him; how intoxicating, he had been.
Her oblivion, her delight, her home and her man
Now lost to her and this world, this was never in their plan.
Every now and again, she’d return to this moment and smile
To sit and be with him, let her self dream, just for a while.

The wine’s bouquet held a memory, like he was there,
She could almost feel him run his fingers through her hair,
Then a laugh began to bubble in the back of her throat,
This cocktail of emotions, and only one she could note,
Love.
She raised the glass to her lips with a triumphant lift
Liquid swirls and her heart takes it in; a living memory, like a gift.

In your arms

A sketch Inspired by some meat loaf lyrics: ‘In your arms I think I’ve found the safest place to fall’

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Sometimes there are moments
Where you feel you’re free falling, fast or slow,
Sometimes in those moments
You find a new hand that you can hold.
When you feel the most invisible
Feel absent, lost or disengaged,
In your disconnected haze you find
Comfort, unexpected, in a heart once estranged;
It’s like a new breath –
It’s like a jolt, like a flicker –
Something to keep holding on for,
As the fears and shadows wither.