Soundlessness

So unfamiliar with this feeling –

It’s got no name, no colour, no sound,

But it’s under my skin;

Creeping, scratching, gnawing around.

I see the way their entitlement lifts them,

To do what they want with disregard,

The paralysis of the trigger they’ve hit

Without any intent, I’m completely disarmed;

I can’t move to protest,

I can’t speak to alarm.

Without any contact,

Their behaviour causes harm.

I think that it’s anger;

This scratching that gnaws –

At; myself, my past,

At; the trigger and the cause.

At; how dare they do what they please,

With our stuff, with our presence, even with our bodies.

At; how easy it is for them to parade, un challenged,

As the people who fear them are looped in their damage.

At; them assuming control and laughing in its wake,

And all I can do is sit, my mind racing as I shake.

I can see what might happen,

Which is shaped by my past –

My ghost is gone, yet omnipresent –

How long will this last?

My words have no power,

My voice has no weight,

Thinking I had a handle on this,

Was a fundamental mistake.

But above all I’m lost;

In the fact I can’t feel –

Yet this nameless, colourless, soundlessness…

Is overwhelmingly real.

Intangible

The mirror shard glistens
Calling to my inner darkness
As a whole, the cause of so many questions
As a part, the subduing of so much pain
The silver shimmers
Calling to my inner darkness
As a whole, it consumes and overwhelms
As a part, it causes distrust and shame
The darkness echoes
Calling to the shard of light
As a whole, it is somehow poetical
As a part, it is somewhat the same
The shard beacons
Calling to something bigger than me
Hoping to make sense of the pain
As a whole, causing friction and anger
As a part, adding clarity – much in vain,
Make it real,
Give it a voice,
Make me feel,
Take away choice,
Use the beauty of the solid silver river
That cuts through falseness like a charm
To reflect the pain that’s intangible
And give me the power over my demons to disarm

Shadow

When the message comes from the shadow
From the antithesis, from your fear,
How do you respond?
How do you fight the tears?

When they’ve taken your voice and your hope
By ignoring the plea and your tears
How do you respond?
And hide your fear?

When they ignored your statement of “no”
By taking what they felt they were owed
How do you respond?
To the shadow gripping your soul?
When they know you were in their control
And you were too scared, you couldn’t just go
How do you respond?

To the shadow that saw ‘yes’ in ‘no’?
When the shadow imposes on your future
When you thought they were in your past
How do you respond?
Was ‘moving on’ too good to last?

When the shadow takes over your mind
The shadow haunts your every breath
How do you respond?
When your predator sends you a text?

When your shadow refuses to hide,
And you’re tearing your heart up inside,
How do you respond
When you have hidden this part of your life?
So this shadow, this vulture, this ghost,
Who you trusted, when you were vulnerable and lost
How do you respond?
When you are fully aware of the cost?

Fear.
Hope.
Loss.

No.

I said no. You chose yes.

And my shadow,
Puts me to the test.

Silence

A silence so heavy and hollow
It can wrap it’s fingers around your heart
Reaching through the inner shouts
And tormented voices
A silence so thick and empty
It can wrap itself around your mind
Reaching through to highlight the doubts
And question all your choices
The difference between lonely and alone
Is that silence you feel when all voices are gone
It’s that intrinsic belief you will always be one
The isolation is in your bones, as this heart-gripping silence becomes your home

Drifting

Sometimes it’s the small things
The beat
The moment
The suspension of attention
When a screen is more interesting than you
When the laugh is somehow disconnected
The look is skips a beat and no longer lingers
When the fondness is still there but distracted
And those small things
Combined with a name
A glance at the wrong moment
Hold your breath
Feel the kiss
And then the truth

Continue reading “Drifting”

Bad timing

It was just bad timing
As you always said it was
When we fell, when we met
When you left, I was bereft

It was just bad timing
As you always knew it was
When we kissed, when we fell
When I lost myself, heartbroken hell

Bad timing
Syncopated love
Taken in stolen seconds
Shared in vain
Bad timing
Syncopated hearts
Loving in moments
Left in pain

Continue reading “Bad timing”

In another life

You said, in another life,
You said, if only 20 years ago,
You said, you couldn’t because,
And then, we carried on in our glow.

You said, you could fall in love,
You said, you wished you could give
me everything you felt I deserved,
And then, I watched you live

You said, if only we met before
You said, in another life
You said, you could fall in love
Now I see you with her, it’s like a knife

I say, I never asked for much
I say, I fell for you hard
I say, I deserved better
I feel my heart wrench apart

I say, you were a coward and cruel,
Just disappearing, you could’ve just said
I say, you never gave me a chance
Sadly…
I say all this –
In my head

Not done yet

It’s been a while since I put pen to page
Fighting the darkness on each step of the way
I’m making ground and I’m forging on
I’m feeling a heaviness but I’m willing it gone
I don’t want to give in to the relentless hours
But I can feel it pulling, swallowing desires
Taking my passions one pen stroke at a time
Telling me I’m not good enough, I must still try
I have been doing better with each passing week
But will take a little while longer getting back to my feet
Hiding it from those I love – admitting I’m lost, it’s easy to forget
The times I’ve come trough this… I’m not done yet

Morning light 

Waking up with a lightness in my mind,
As I realise it’s only a matter of time.
The sunlight breaks through the cracks,
Seeking, tripping, pouring a delightful attack
On darkness, it slices and tumbles in a dance.
A complimentary juxtaposition, cutting silence,
The dust swims between these realms,
Like their dreams are fighting fears at the helm –
Jutting, falling landing on my skin,
Their ferocious fragility echoes within.
A touch you can see but not feel with any weight
But the comforting warmth of the beams, that I break
With my hands, as they tango in light with the dust,
Reminds me beauty is there – if you look hard enough.