Shadow

When the message comes from the shadows

From the antithesis, from your fear,

How do you respond?

How do you fight the tears?

When they’ve taken your voice and your hope

By ignoring the plea and your tears

How do you respond?

And hide your fear?

When they ignored your statement of “no”

By taking what they felt they were owed

How do you respond?

To the shadow gripping your soul?

When they know you were in their control

And you were too scared, you couldn’t just go

How do you respond?

To the shadow that saw ‘yes’ in ‘no’?

When the shadow imposes on your future

When you thought they were in your past

How do you respond?

Was ‘moving on’ too good to last?

When the shadow takes over your mind

The shadow haunts your every breath

How do you respond?

When your predator sends you a text?

When your shadow refuses to hide,

And you’re tearing your heart up inside,

How do you respond?

When you have hidden this part of your life?

So this shadow, this vulture, this ghost,

Who you trusted, when you were vulnerable and lost

How do you respond?

When you are fully aware of the cost?

Fear.

Hope.

Loss.

No.

I said no.

You heard yes.

And my shadow,

Puts me to the test.

Silence

A silence so heavy and hollow

It can wrap it’s fingers around your heart

Reaching through the inner shouts

And tormented voices

A silence so thick and empty

It can wrap itself around your mind

Reaching through to highlight the doubts

And question all your choices

The difference between lonely and alone

Is that silence you feel when all voices are gone

It’s that intrinsic belief you will always be one

The isolation is in your bones, as this heart-gripping silence becomes your home

Drifting

Sometimes it’s the small things

The beat

The moment

The suspension of attention

When a screen is more interesting than you

When the laugh is somehow disconnected

The look is skips a beat and no longer lingers

When the fondness is still there but distracted

And those small things

Combined with a name

A glance at the wrong moment

Hold your breath

Feel the kiss

And then the truth

It’s all in your head

Relief

Distance is un-quantifiable

Between breaths

Between beats

But when its there

Your heart sinks

Or the delusion

Is it all in your head?

Sometimes it’s the small things

The beat

The moment

The suspension of attention

And you suddenly realise…

You’re… drifting

Bad timing

It was just bad timing
As you always said it was
When we fell, when we met
When you left, I was bereft

It was just bad timing
As you always knew it was
When we kissed, when we fell
When I lost myself, heartbroken hell

Bad timing
Syncopated love
Taken in stolen seconds
Shared in vain
Bad timing
Syncopated hearts
Loving in moments
Left in pain

It was just bad timing
As you always saw it was
When you held me, when we cared
When we were broken, and scared

It was just bad timing
As I always knew it could be
When you said you could fall in love
And I was too scared to say the truth

Bad timing
Syncopated love
Taken in stolen seconds
Shared in vain
Bad timing
Syncopated hearts
Loving in moments
Left in pain

It was just bad timing
As I always feard it was
When I head you’d met someone else
And I was too deluded to tell

It was just bad timing
We both knew it all along
When we fell, into and out of
Whatever we had, it was never enough

Bad timing
Syncopated love
Taken in stolen seconds
Shared in vain
Bad timing
Syncopated hearts
Loving in moments
Left in pain

In another life

You said, in another life,
You said, if only 20 years ago,
You said, you couldn’t because,
And then, we carried on in our glow.

You said, you could fall in love,
You said, you wished you could give
me everything you felt I deserved,
And then, I watched you live

You said, if only we met before
You said, in another life
You said, you could fall in love
Now I see you with her, it’s like a knife

I say, I never asked for much
I say, I fell for you hard
I say, I deserved better
I feel my heart wrench apart

I say, you were a coward and cruel,
Just disappearing, you could’ve just said
I say, you never gave me a chance
Sadly…
I say all this –
In my head

Waiting

The stories that spin
Weaving, woven, wondering and repeat

In the waiting in the silent din
Whispers, words, wanting in defeat

The habit of time
Passing, pushing, parting and repeat

With each tentative step of mine
Tripping, treading, turning in defeat

Waiting for… What am I waiting for…
Wandering, what I’m watching and waiting for…
A life from the sidelines… a glimpse from outside
A wallpapered retreat is all I can find

Motivation required
Floating, falling, finding and again

To push through what’s mired
Gripping, grasping, grappling in vain

The habit of time
Skipping, spinning, slowing in vain

Each torturing thought I find
Weaving, wondering, whirling and again

Waiting for… What am I waiting for…
Wandering, what I’m watching and waiting for…
A life from the sidelines… a glimpse from outside
A wallpapered retreat..? I’ll pass this time

Not done yet

It’s been a while since I put pen to page
Fighting the darkness on each step of the way
I’m making ground and I’m forging on
I’m feeling a heaviness but I’m willing it gone
I don’t want to give in to the relentless hours
But I can feel it pulling, swallowing desires
Taking my passions one pen stroke at a time
Telling me I’m not good enough, I must still try
I have been doing better with each passing week
But will take a little while longer getting back to my feet
Hiding it from those I love – admitting I’m lost, it’s easy to forget
The times I’ve come trough this… I’m not done yet

Morning light 

Waking up with a lightness in my mind,
As I realise it’s only a matter of time.
The sunlight breaks through the cracks,
Seeking, tripping, pouring a delightful attack
On darkness, it slices and tumbles in a dance.
A complimentary juxtaposition, cutting silence,
The dust swims between these realms,
Like their dreams are fighting fears at the helm –
Jutting, falling landing on my skin,
Their ferocious fragility echoes within.
A touch you can see but not feel with any weight
But the comforting warmth of the beams, that I break
With my hands, as they tango in light with the dust,
Reminds me beauty is there – if you look hard enough.

Contrast

When I can see the sun
But not feel it on my skin
When I can hear the music
And my heart won’t tune in
When I see your eyes alight
But the tenderness is gone
When I’m taking strides
Pretending to be strong
In it there’s despair as black as the night
But in me there’s one last flicker, one last fight

Didn’t you know?

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s gone, the girl you knew
I’m an illusion of what you saw
Helping to carry her through
Through the “good morning!”
The daily jibes and jokes fly
The facade and feverish delightedness
Until I carry her home to cry

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s not sleeping, not laughing
I’m keeping her together now
She’s too vulnerable, a fragile thing
She’s still captivated by your lies
Lead through a dance by your games
I’m desperately keeping her hidden
In the hope she’ll return one day

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How you broke her heart, didn’t she?
Too afraid you’d laugh and shrug
She didn’t because she’s not me
So that’s why I’m here, finding my way
Through her ferocious white fear
Taking hold of her shattered heart
So that all you see is one tear

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How she’s an echo, tethered to despair
Whilst I’m hunting for hope in her heart
She falters, flinches at each glare
With a heavy heart I begin again each day
But with each day I’m more strong
Because I can see she’s not totally lost
I can see she’s still holding on