Careless

Drawing it out

With each passing day

I’m hurting in my heart

As you push me away

So much is unspoken 

In the year that has passed

Storytelling in silence

To make the hope last
I don’t want to play games 

Or hurt you in turn

I only wish you were careful

If only you could learn

That each mention of her name

And each nod to the past

Just keep reviving my pain

It overwhelmingly lasts
I see you as insensitive

I wonder how you couldn’t see

But I guess I’ve never had the chance

To tell you what I feel

Each time there’s a reason

Every time I try

But you keep on pulling punches

And my heart fractures inside
So please be careful with me

Don’t play games, be aware

That I’m still adapting 

To heartbreak while you’re still there

Crash

Hitting reality with a crash

When I’m reminded how you don’t want me 

After a week of chatter from over seas

Your hot-and-cold returns, my heart re-breaks and my hopes flee 

Thanks for the hope

And thanks for the intoxicating charm

And thanks for the cold hard truth

As the floor falls away, I’m suddenly disarmed

So they say

It will all get better in time

It’s helpful, it will heal

It will all get better in time 

So they say, but time steals

It will give to solace and peace

Give you hope, give you distance

It is healthy to mourn and grieve

So they say, they’re persistent
It will all become your past

Make you stronger hereafter

Build you up, thicken skin

So they say, build character 

It will give you space, give you peace

To make you grateful and greater

Turn your hurt from hate, tears to joy

So they say, a hope creater
You’re better off now

Without them, without circumstance

Without knowing, without love

So they say, dancing the dance

You’re far better off

Without that in your life

Without the joy? Without the comfort?

So they say, but I’ll not buy it
You’ll be happier without them

They were never right for you, we knew

You deserve better any way

So they say, to me, about you

So much happier without them

You were worth so much more

Get them out of your system, altogether 

So they say, but my heart ignores
Time heals

So they say

It’s just your past

So they say

You’re better off without

So they say

You’ll be happier

So they say
But time won’t heal 

My hear won’t fix 

The past is always present

And this new ‘happier’ is a trick

So they say

So they say

As they always do

But I’ll never wish you into my past

Yet I hope to be happy without you

Fix

I didn’t want you to fix me

I just wanted you 

You held my hand through the initial storm

Then far away your heart flew 

I didn’t need you to mend 

My tortured mind and fractured heart

I just wanted to be greeted with your smile 

And devinity at each day’s start

Tongue tied

All those questions you always and never want to know 

All those feelings you always and never want validated 

All those answers you never yet always want to hear 

All those things you never but always want to remember 

Did you just get bored?

Did I do something?

Did you ever really love me?

Did you mean anything you said?

Did I ever know you?

All those things that make you grateful for being tongue tied

All those things that make you hate being tongue tied

All those feelings that chocked you and you’re glad of being tongue tied

All those questions that made you stumble, being frustrated that you’re tongue tied

Do you care?

Do you even understand what it means?

Do you have any idea?

Do you ever think of me?

Do you miss me?

Being tongue tied is a blessing and a curse

A double edged sword you can hold in a moment

Being tongue tied makes you fragile and strong

A catch 22 that completes the circle 

Being tongue tied gives you a voice, makes you mute 

A moment of madness and relief

Being tongue tied keeps you safe but on edge 

Moments of clarity and dispair 

Do I miss you?

Did I love you?

How would I feel if you asked it of me

Did I mean what I said?

Do I think of you?

How would I have responded if you asked it of me

So guess being tongue tied has its own relief

So maybe I should take solace, being tongue tied in my grief 

Ghost

Whilst I still have to see you 

Every day

Every moment 

Will keep you 

Ghost

To

Me

Of what we were

The happiness

We 

Had

And how 

You let me

Feel

Good enough 

Thanks

For taking that away 

Too

My heart

My hope

My love

My self worth

And my delight 

I loved you

Worse

You let me

F

A

L

L

In 

Love

With you

I forgive your heart

But 

I won’t

Forget

How you 

Let me

Feel,

As surely

As

You

Let me 

F

A

L

L

.

I was always real

Always full

Always 

Wholeheartedly

Yours.

Yours,

Faithfully,

Sweetheart.

But life

As they say

Goes 

On…

The dead of night

In the dead of night I miss you
In the silences we share in those forced moments together
Where circumstance meets desire

In the dead of night I’m lost
In the moments that were forced to share we delight
And yet am burning with inferior fire

In the dead of my eyes I’m living
In the loveless moments once filled with such comfort
I see only the pain in the shadows of your heart

In the dead of the silence I’m overwhelmed
In the beautiful moments we still have as ghosts
I feel only the echo once I’m alone and we’re apart

In the dead of my thoughts I’m searching
For some unforeseen moments with someone new
Some time and space a sudden change to life and break away

In the dead of my thoughts I hear your words
The moments and declarations haunt me and draw me in
Into your smile, the joviality – but I know I must control my way

In the dead of our love  I’m lost without you
These moments of friendship seem so fickle
I trust in your sincerity but I have to move on, I’m grieving

In the dead of our love I’m lost without you
The moments of truth seem so trite
I fall into your fondness but I have to be strong I’m leaving

Goodbye.
I love you.
But it has to be as fiends.

Goodbye, I love you, I’m tired with the pretend.
Only in the dead of night do I still feel this way

So I have to move on, cut myself free
In the dead of night I still love you
In the dead of night you still hurt me
In the dead of night this confused clarity
Makes what I must do all too clear to see

Delicious

Delicious irony mocks my memories
As I realise it’s gone
The heart break and thunder
Pain pulling back but driving on

Acute omnipresent pain
In my heart, the burning fire
At the moment you declare
You admit to me your desire
As I realise mine’s faded
The intricate lies we lived together
All the magic is gone
All the threads that were tethered

I’ve cut loose from my blind loyalty
And when I finally hear the words
I thought I longed for
I feel nothing, not even hurt
All I feel are the ghosts of pain
Enough to remind me
Not to go there again

Continue reading

A new kind of dance

‪When fears linger & crouch in shadows‬
‪Like devils in the fog‬
‪Knowing all it takes‬ is fractured light‬
‪To spring them from the dark‬

‪Needing courage to be blinking back burning tears
To step over your heart in the dust
Leave it behind for a future
You will yourself on because you must

But a white fear grasps at my senses as I look to tomorrow
Knowing you’ll never be who you were entwines my thoughts with such sorrow

When fears linger & crouch in my thoughts
Like devils on the edge of intent
Uncertainty of you
Spins my syncopated hopes into descent

‪How can I move on‬‪ and say my goodbye‬s
‪When, so silently and abruptly you left‬
Being around you every day‬ through circumstance‬
Makes every minute and every hour a test‬

To shake up my world is so cruel when it’s just about my heart
Hoping to find solid ground, an opportunity – still I’m sad to restart

I miss you. I love you.
And as always you entice and enchant

But I’ll take fate by the hand and leave it all to chance
Fix my fractured heart with a new kind of dance

The gift (#TastyPoem)

Originally one of my micro poems on Twitter the prompt word Oblivion (#TastyPoem) was the inspiration for this one.

She paused, what was it, what was it she could almost see,
Almost feel, to touch, an unsteady, feeling; uncertainty.
But an excitement too, with her stomach floating high
But her heart falling heavy,  she exhaled with an overwhelming cry
As if from nowhere her eyes filled with tears – un-cried
It was as if she was looking on, not in but outside.
Then it was clear, in a moment she knew,
Her pattern of remembrance was right on cue.

The divine coloured crimson caught in a crystal beam,
Reminded her of him; how intoxicating, he had been.
Her oblivion, her delight, her home and her man
Now lost to her and this world, this was never in their plan.
Every now and again, she’d return to this moment and smile
To sit and be with him, let her self dream, just for a while.

The wine’s bouquet held a memory, like he was there,
She could almost feel him run his fingers through her hair,
Then a laugh began to bubble in the back of her throat,
This cocktail of emotions, and only one she could note,
Love.
She raised the glass to her lips with a triumphant lift
Liquid swirls and her heart takes it in; a living memory, like a gift.