In another life

You said, in another life,
You said, if only 20 years ago,
You said, you couldn’t because,
And then, we carried on in our glow.

You said, you could fall in love,
You said, you wished you could give
me everything you felt I deserved,
And then, I watched you live

You said, if only we met before
You said, in another life
You said, you could fall in love
Now I see you with her, it’s like a knife

I say, I never asked for much
I say, I fell for you hard
I say, I deserved better
I feel my heart wrench apart

I say, you were a coward and cruel,
Just disappearing, you could’ve just said
I say, you never gave me a chance
Sadly…
I say all this –
In my head

Rain, reflected

The rain thunders lightly on the floor,

With each tap-thud-drip my heart sinks some more

The greyness and the thunder

Like the beast inside my chest

Pulling at the fractured shards

Never stopping, he’ll never rest

The rain reflects the light in each falling gem

Like the flicker in my heart that I’ll be whole once again

The dancing of the light

Like the sprite inside my mind

Holding onto the smallest glimmer

Knowing it will pass in time

The rain runs and runs, pouring across the scene

Like the cascading fear and tears I choke-back; not to be seen

The lightening startles, it cuts

Like your words through my facade

Intricate, beautiful but broken

Why do I let down my guard

The rain thunders, reflects and runs, like a river to a stream

I’m saddened by how much it still hurts that you could be so false with me

A Chance

It’s been hard to take, and hold two things as one
Understanding that I’m hurt, yet my feelings for you are gone
Not forgotten, not dead, not nothing,
Just not breaking and twisting and turning.

How can that be, that these two are okay,
That it hurts like nothing else, that I lost you in that way
That I care, that I miss, that I cry
But for the past, for hope, for what’s denied

It made no sense, and for so long I fought
The pain meant I still loved you, or so I had thought
And I do, and I did, and I don’t as I did
This new equilibrium means both can live

I still care, I still cry,
I still hold on to the lie
But to be hurt, be lost, but not alone
I can now reclaim my heart as home

Good luck with your love, and I wish you both well
For the time that’s elapsed has had my heart in hell
But knowing they’re separate, the pain and the past
Means we have a chance of healing, for both of us – a chance

Careless

Drawing it out
With each passing day
I’m hurting in my heart
As you push me away
So much is unspoken
In the year that has passed
Storytelling in silence
To make the hope last

I don’t want to play games
Or hurt you in turn
I only wish you were careful
If only you could learn
That each mention of her name
And each nod to the past
Just keep reviving my pain
It overwhelmingly lasts

Continue reading

Crash

Hitting reality with a crash

When I’m reminded how you don’t want me 

After a week of chatter from over seas

Your hot-and-cold returns, my heart re-breaks and my hopes flee 

Thanks for the hope

And thanks for the intoxicating charm

And thanks for the cold hard truth

As the floor falls away, I’m suddenly disarmed

So they say

It will all get better in time

It’s helpful, it will heal

It will all get better in time 

So they say, but time steals

It will give to solace and peace

Give you hope, give you distance

It is healthy to mourn and grieve

So they say, they’re persistent
It will all become your past

Make you stronger hereafter

Build you up, thicken skin

So they say, build character 

It will give you space, give you peace

To make you grateful and greater

Turn your hurt from hate, tears to joy

So they say, a hope creater
You’re better off now

Without them, without circumstance

Without knowing, without love

So they say, dancing the dance

You’re far better off

Without that in your life

Without the joy? Without the comfort?

So they say, but I’ll not buy it
You’ll be happier without them

They were never right for you, we knew

You deserve better any way

So they say, to me, about you

So much happier without them

You were worth so much more

Get them out of your system, altogether 

So they say, but my heart ignores
Time heals

So they say

It’s just your past

So they say

You’re better off without

So they say

You’ll be happier

So they say
But time won’t heal 

My hear won’t fix 

The past is always present

And this new ‘happier’ is a trick

So they say

So they say

As they always do

But I’ll never wish you into my past

Yet I hope to be happy without you

Tongue tied

All those questions you always and never want to know 

All those feelings you always and never want validated 

All those answers you never yet always want to hear 

All those things you never but always want to remember 

Did you just get bored?

Did I do something?

Did you ever really love me?

Did you mean anything you said?

Did I ever know you?

All those things that make you grateful for being tongue tied

All those things that make you hate being tongue tied

All those feelings that chocked you and you’re glad of being tongue tied

All those questions that made you stumble, being frustrated that you’re tongue tied

Do you care?

Do you even understand what it means?

Do you have any idea?

Do you ever think of me?

Do you miss me?

Being tongue tied is a blessing and a curse

A double edged sword you can hold in a moment

Being tongue tied makes you fragile and strong

A catch 22 that completes the circle 

Being tongue tied gives you a voice, makes you mute 

A moment of madness and relief

Being tongue tied keeps you safe but on edge 

Moments of clarity and dispair 

Do I miss you?

Did I love you?

How would I feel if you asked it of me

Did I mean what I said?

Do I think of you?

How would I have responded if you asked it of me

So guess being tongue tied has its own relief

So maybe I should take solace, being tongue tied in my grief 

Ghost

Whilst I still have to see you 

Every day

Every moment 

Will keep you 

Ghost

To

Me

Of what we were

The happiness

We 

Had

And how 

You let me

Feel

Good enough 

Thanks

For taking that away 

Too

My heart

My hope

My love

My self worth

And my delight 

I loved you

Worse

You let me

F

A

L

L

In 

Love

With you

I forgive your heart

But 

I won’t

Forget

How you 

Let me

Feel,

As surely

As

You

Let me 

F

A

L

L

.

I was always real

Always full

Always 

Wholeheartedly

Yours.

Yours,

Faithfully,

Sweetheart.

But life

As they say

Goes 

On…

The dead of night

In the dead of night I miss you
In the silences we share in those forced moments together
Where circumstance meets desire

In the dead of night I’m lost
In the moments that were forced to share we delight
And yet am burning with inferior fire

In the dead of my eyes I’m living
In the loveless moments once filled with such comfort
I see only the pain in the shadows of your heart

In the dead of the silence I’m overwhelmed
In the beautiful moments we still have as ghosts
I feel only the echo once I’m alone and we’re apart

In the dead of my thoughts I’m searching
For some unforeseen moments with someone new
Some time and space a sudden change to life and break away

In the dead of my thoughts I hear your words
The moments and declarations haunt me and draw me in
Into your smile, the joviality – but I know I must control my way

In the dead of our love  I’m lost without you
These moments of friendship seem so fickle
I trust in your sincerity but I have to move on, I’m grieving

In the dead of our love I’m lost without you
The moments of truth seem so trite
I fall into your fondness but I have to be strong I’m leaving

Goodbye.
I love you.
But it has to be as fiends.

Goodbye, I love you, I’m tired with the pretend.
Only in the dead of night do I still feel this way

So I have to move on, cut myself free
In the dead of night I still love you
In the dead of night you still hurt me
In the dead of night this confused clarity
Makes what I must do all too clear to see