Careless

Drawing it out

With each passing day

I’m hurting in my heart

As you push me away

So much is unspoken 

In the year that has passed

Storytelling in silence

To make the hope last
I don’t want to play games 

Or hurt you in turn

I only wish you were careful

If only you could learn

That each mention of her name

And each nod to the past

Just keep reviving my pain

It overwhelmingly lasts
I see you as insensitive

I wonder how you couldn’t see

But I guess I’ve never had the chance

To tell you what I feel

Each time there’s a reason

Every time I try

But you keep on pulling punches

And my heart fractures inside
So please be careful with me

Don’t play games, be aware

That I’m still adapting 

To heartbreak while you’re still there

Didn’t you know?

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s gone, the girl you knew
I’m an illusion of what you saw
Helping to carry her through
Through the “good morning!”
The daily jibes and jokes fly
The facade and feverish delightedness
Until I carry her home to cry

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s not sleeping, not laughing
I’m keeping her together now
She’s too vulnerable, a fragile thing
She’s still captivated by your lies
Lead through a dance by your games
I’m desperately keeping her hidden
In the hope she’ll return one day

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How you broke her heart, didn’t she?
Too afraid you’d laugh and shrug
She didn’t because she’s not me
So that’s why I’m here, finding my way
Through her ferocious white fear
Taking hold of her shattered heart
So that all you see is one tear

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How she’s an echo, tethered to despair
Whilst I’m hunting for hope in her heart
She falters, flinches at each glare
With a heavy heart I begin again each day
But with each day I’m more strong
Because I can see she’s not totally lost
I can see she’s still holding on

Crash

Hitting reality with a crash

When I’m reminded how you don’t want me 

After a week of chatter from over seas

Your hot-and-cold returns, my heart re-breaks and my hopes flee 

Thanks for the hope

And thanks for the intoxicating charm

And thanks for the cold hard truth

As the floor falls away, I’m suddenly disarmed

Fix

I didn’t want you to fix me

I just wanted you 

You held my hand through the initial storm

Then far away your heart flew 

I didn’t need you to mend 

My tortured mind and fractured heart

I just wanted to be greeted with your smile 

And devinity at each day’s start

Tongue tied

All those questions you always and never want to know 

All those feelings you always and never want validated 

All those answers you never yet always want to hear 

All those things you never but always want to remember 

Did you just get bored?

Did I do something?

Did you ever really love me?

Did you mean anything you said?

Did I ever know you?

All those things that make you grateful for being tongue tied

All those things that make you hate being tongue tied

All those feelings that chocked you and you’re glad of being tongue tied

All those questions that made you stumble, being frustrated that you’re tongue tied

Do you care?

Do you even understand what it means?

Do you have any idea?

Do you ever think of me?

Do you miss me?

Being tongue tied is a blessing and a curse

A double edged sword you can hold in a moment

Being tongue tied makes you fragile and strong

A catch 22 that completes the circle 

Being tongue tied gives you a voice, makes you mute 

A moment of madness and relief

Being tongue tied keeps you safe but on edge 

Moments of clarity and dispair 

Do I miss you?

Did I love you?

How would I feel if you asked it of me

Did I mean what I said?

Do I think of you?

How would I have responded if you asked it of me

So guess being tongue tied has its own relief

So maybe I should take solace, being tongue tied in my grief 

Ghost

Whilst I still have to see you 

Every day

Every moment 

Will keep you 

Ghost

To

Me

Of what we were

The happiness

We 

Had

And how 

You let me

Feel

Good enough 

Thanks

For taking that away 

Too

My heart

My hope

My love

My self worth

And my delight 

I loved you

Worse

You let me

F

A

L

L

In 

Love

With you

I forgive your heart

But 

I won’t

Forget

How you 

Let me

Feel,

As surely

As

You

Let me 

F

A

L

L

.

I was always real

Always full

Always 

Wholeheartedly

Yours.

Yours,

Faithfully,

Sweetheart.

But life

As they say

Goes 

On…

The dead of night

In the dead of night I miss you
In the silences we share in those forced moments together
Where circumstance meets desire

In the dead of night I’m lost
In the moments that were forced to share we delight
And yet am burning with inferior fire

In the dead of my eyes I’m living
In the loveless moments once filled with such comfort
I see only the pain in the shadows of your heart

In the dead of the silence I’m overwhelmed
In the beautiful moments we still have as ghosts
I feel only the echo once I’m alone and we’re apart

In the dead of my thoughts I’m searching
For some unforeseen moments with someone new
Some time and space a sudden change to life and break away

In the dead of my thoughts I hear your words
The moments and declarations haunt me and draw me in
Into your smile, the joviality – but I know I must control my way

In the dead of our love  I’m lost without you
These moments of friendship seem so fickle
I trust in your sincerity but I have to move on, I’m grieving

In the dead of our love I’m lost without you
The moments of truth seem so trite
I fall into your fondness but I have to be strong I’m leaving

Goodbye.
I love you.
But it has to be as fiends.

Goodbye, I love you, I’m tired with the pretend.
Only in the dead of night do I still feel this way

So I have to move on, cut myself free
In the dead of night I still love you
In the dead of night you still hurt me
In the dead of night this confused clarity
Makes what I must do all too clear to see

As it was

Everybody fooled
Except the two who really care
Caught in the lie
Stumbling through synthetic days
Playing the game
Of as it was
All too well.

Too many words
Caught in limbo
Contorted between
Unspoken & wished unsaid
My consolation;
We both play the game
Of as it was
All too well.

A new kind of dance

‪When fears linger & crouch in shadows‬
‪Like devils in the fog‬
‪Knowing all it takes‬ is fractured light‬
‪To spring them from the dark‬

‪Needing courage to be blinking back burning tears
To step over your heart in the dust
Leave it behind for a future
You will yourself on because you must

But a white fear grasps at my senses as I look to tomorrow
Knowing you’ll never be who you were entwines my thoughts with such sorrow

When fears linger & crouch in my thoughts
Like devils on the edge of intent
Uncertainty of you
Spins my syncopated hopes into descent

‪How can I move on‬‪ and say my goodbye‬s
‪When, so silently and abruptly you left‬
Being around you every day‬ through circumstance‬
Makes every minute and every hour a test‬

To shake up my world is so cruel when it’s just about my heart
Hoping to find solid ground, an opportunity – still I’m sad to restart

I miss you. I love you.
And as always you entice and enchant

But I’ll take fate by the hand and leave it all to chance
Fix my fractured heart with a new kind of dance

I’m Free

Wondering why
Wondering how
And taking my time to consider

Wondering when
Wondering who
And watching my heartbreak wither

Considering options
Considering where
And thinking of future times

Considering what’s lost
Considering the cost
Not regretting the time you were mine

Moving onwards
Moving out
And taking my heart with me

Moving to tears
Moving from fears
And taking hands with courage to see

Holding hands with fate
Holding hands with courage
And taking my time to move on

Holding hands with strength
Holding hands with history
And steps taken towards the past are gone

Grateful for time
Grateful for love
And grateful to be away from this grief

Grateful for you
Grateful for the past
But after all your games, I’m free