In another life

You said, in another life,
You said, if only 20 years ago,
You said, you couldn’t because,
And then, we carried on in our glow.

You said, you could fall in love,
You said, you wished you could give
me everything you felt I deserved,
And then, I watched you live

You said, if only we met before
You said, in another life
You said, you could fall in love
Now I see you with her, it’s like a knife

I say, I never asked for much
I say, I fell for you hard
I say, I deserved better
I feel my heart wrench apart

I say, you were a coward and cruel,
Just disappearing, you could’ve just said
I say, you never gave me a chance
Sadly…
I say all this –
In my head

A Chance

It’s been hard to take, and hold two things as one
Understanding that I’m hurt, yet my feelings for you are gone
Not forgotten, not dead, not nothing,
Just not breaking and twisting and turning.

How can that be, that these two are okay,
That it hurts like nothing else, that I lost you in that way
That I care, that I miss, that I cry
But for the past, for hope, for what’s denied

It made no sense, and for so long I fought
The pain meant I still loved you, or so I had thought
And I do, and I did, and I don’t as I did
This new equilibrium means both can live

I still care, I still cry,
I still hold on to the lie
But to be hurt, be lost, but not alone
I can now reclaim my heart as home

Good luck with your love, and I wish you both well
For the time that’s elapsed has had my heart in hell
But knowing they’re separate, the pain and the past
Means we have a chance of healing, for both of us – a chance

Contrast

When I can see the sun
But not feel it on my skin
When I can hear the music
And my heart won’t tune in
When I see your eyes alight
But the tenderness is gone
When I’m taking strides
Pretending to be strong
In it there’s despair as black as the night
But in me there’s one last flicker, one last fight

Didn’t you know?

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s gone, the girl you knew
I’m an illusion of what you saw
Helping to carry her through
Through the “good morning!”
The daily jibes and jokes fly
The facade and feverish delightedness
Until I carry her home to cry

Didn’t anyone tell you?
She’s not sleeping, not laughing
I’m keeping her together now
She’s too vulnerable, a fragile thing
She’s still captivated by your lies
Lead through a dance by your games
I’m desperately keeping her hidden
In the hope she’ll return one day

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How you broke her heart, didn’t she?
Too afraid you’d laugh and shrug
She didn’t because she’s not me
So that’s why I’m here, finding my way
Through her ferocious white fear
Taking hold of her shattered heart
So that all you see is one tear

Didn’t anyone tell you?
How she’s an echo, tethered to despair
Whilst I’m hunting for hope in her heart
She falters, flinches at each glare
With a heavy heart I begin again each day
But with each day I’m more strong
Because I can see she’s not totally lost
I can see she’s still holding on

Crash

Hitting reality with a crash

When I’m reminded how you don’t want me 

After a week of chatter from over seas

Your hot-and-cold returns, my heart re-breaks and my hopes flee 

Thanks for the hope

And thanks for the intoxicating charm

And thanks for the cold hard truth

As the floor falls away, I’m suddenly disarmed

Double negative

I can’t not love you

Just because 

They say it’s better in the long run

I can’t not feel comfort

In your smile

Just because our future’s gone 

I can’t not feel empty 

I remember it’s gone

Just because you’ve moved on

I can’t not love you

Just because 

I say it’s easier now that you’re gone

I can move on 

Whilst I still love you 

I can hold the conflict as I run

I can’t unlove you

I don’t want to

Just because your love has gone 

I can’t unfeel or unsee

Everything good you were to me

I know that’s better in the long run

Heart of Gold

“She’s got a heart of Gold”

They say through their smiles

“She’s got such a good heart”

They say, delighted, in denial 

For it’s what they don’t see

That makes it truly shine

It’s the shadows she keeps hidden

That make her kindness devine 
For the fractures and splinters 

Of that self-same heart of Gold

And the kindness and empathy

Of which is always told

“She’s got such a pure kindness”

They say on a whim 

“Always thinking of others”

Never looking within
But it’s the shadows and darkness

Of such depth and dispair 

A cadaverous heart-ache

That never reaches the air

Her hands always reach out

As her smiles do to her eyes

A mere cloak for an emptiness 

That all her efforts must abide  
But her heart of Gold

And the delight seen by others

Takes a little of the sting 

Out of the darkness uncovered 

She truly does care 

It’s a prophecy to fulfill 

Her heart of Gold 

Can help keep her thoughts still
So a thank you to all

Who encourage her so

Your perception of her Golden heart

Is a cornerstone of her hope

The courage that you give her

And the hope that you may steer

Help to bring light into her eyes

And dullness to her fear

By your leave

Sometimes it’s best to step back

Step away

Trip away 

Remove yourself from the situation
Sometimes it’s safer to hold back

Trip away

Step away

Hold your tongue and unanswered questions 
Sometimes it’s kinder to yourself to be cruel and bold

Take your leave

And by your leave

Hold your searing pain and burning passions 

 
Sometimes it’s kinder to yourself to appear kind but feel cold

Take your leave

And by your leave

Take control of your own fate, your decisions
Sometimes it’s easier to leave than to be left behind

So take your time

Trip away

Hold your tongue

Step away

When it’s a daily trauma you find
Take your leave

Keep your questions

And by your leave

Tame your passions

Sometimes it’s crueler to be kind