Delicious

Delicious irony mocks my memories
As I realise it’s gone
The heart break and thunder
Pain pulling back but driving on

Acute omnipresent pain
In my heart, the burning fire
At the moment you declare
You admit to me your desire
As I realise mine’s faded
The intricate lies we lived together
All the magic is gone
All the threads that were tethered

I’ve cut loose from my blind loyalty
And when I finally hear the words
I thought I longed for
I feel nothing, not even hurt
All I feel are the ghosts of pain
Enough to remind me
Not to go there again

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A new kind of dance

‪When fears linger & crouch in shadows‬
‪Like devils in the fog‬
‪Knowing all it takes‬ is fractured light‬
‪To spring them from the dark‬

‪Needing courage to be blinking back burning tears
To step over your heart in the dust
Leave it behind for a future
You will yourself on because you must

But a white fear grasps at my senses as I look to tomorrow
Knowing you’ll never be who you were entwines my thoughts with such sorrow

When fears linger & crouch in my thoughts
Like devils on the edge of intent
Uncertainty of you
Spins my syncopated hopes into descent

‪How can I move on‬‪ and say my goodbye‬s
‪When, so silently and abruptly you left‬
Being around you every day‬ through circumstance‬
Makes every minute and every hour a test‬

To shake up my world is so cruel when it’s just about my heart
Hoping to find solid ground, an opportunity – still I’m sad to restart

I miss you. I love you.
And as always you entice and enchant

But I’ll take fate by the hand and leave it all to chance
Fix my fractured heart with a new kind of dance

Synthetic synergy

There are clarifying moments
Synthetic synergies
With song lyrics
Film scripts
Or television series
Where characters
Shout your truth
There are bizarre moments

Energised empathies
With song writers, characters
Or moments in a scene
Where writers
Shout cut to your core
Sobering moments

Synthetic synergies
Lyrics, scripts
Even characters
Reflect your moment
Speaking your truth
Articulate where you lack
There are clarifying moments

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Happy New Year, survival, paying it forward and a hello to 2017

2016; a year of swings and roundabouts, as they say. This is just a post to tell a bit of my story of living with anxiety and depression. It’s not me dwelling (and I hope it doesn’t come across that way) I’ve chosen to do this because I’ve found it so comforting at times to read and/or hear other people’s and have a flicker of hope knowing I’m really not alone in this. I want to repay these people’s kindness in sharing their stories by sharing with my own, as a sort of pay it forward… *deep breath*

Firstly I want to wish you all the very best for the next year and your future in general. I hope 2017 is a beauty for you in whatever form that takes.

So here goes…

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My Christmas Present

Merry Christmas folks. Here’s a new poem which is very close to my heart about accepting your here and now at a time where you’re expected to fit in with the clichés and expectations of others. Realising that you can enjoy the now and still remember those you have sadly lost.  


When the family gathers and the smiles start flowing

With the cold crisp air all eyes are glowing
When the air seems filled with festive tunes

And laughter hangs in the decorated rooms

Like gossamer threads in the frosty morn

Starlight glistens, they burn brighter than before
Telling tales of the moments gone, the unforgotten days

Are handprints ghosted on surfaces, gifts and doorways
A cliché; I know, but it’s the small things I adore

At a time where we all notice and are more aware than before

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I’m Free

Wondering why
Wondering how
And taking my time to consider

Wondering when
Wondering who
And watching my heartbreak wither

Considering options
Considering where
And thinking of future times

Considering what’s lost
Considering the cost
Not regretting the time you were mine

Moving onwards
Moving out
And taking my heart with me

Moving to tears
Moving from fears
And taking hands with courage to see

Holding hands with fate
Holding hands with courage
And taking my time to move on

Holding hands with strength
Holding hands with history
And steps taken towards the past are gone

Grateful for time
Grateful for love
And grateful to be away from this grief

Grateful for you
Grateful for the past
But after all your games, I’m free

Alive

A moment of realisation;
My heart sinks
With such vigour
I feel I’ll follow it through the floor
My hands grasp at my chest

Clutching at the physical
In vain, hoping to steady
The racing
The aching
In the pit of my stomach
As you acknowledge me

With anxiety knocking
Rapidly at my ribcage
Giving me no rest
I fear I’ll fall
Into nothingness
In an oblivion
Of absence

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My Christmas Present 

When the family gathers and the smiles start flowing
With the cold crisp air all eyes are glowing

When the air seems filled with festive tunes

And laughter hangs in the decorated rooms

Like gossamer threads in the frosty morn

Starlight glistens, they burn brighter than before
Telling tales of the moments gone, the unforgotten days

Are handprints ghosted on surfaces, gifts and doorways

A cliché; I know, but it’s the small things I adore

At a time where we all notice and are more aware than before

Moonlight shines, it seems to be lit stronger

Illuminates the smallest glance to make it last longer
I’m not at one with my loss, my heart breaks in a heartbeat

But this holiday without them can be bitter-sweet

It’s taken me years to accept those who can’t be here each year

But with those who I have I have with no need to fear

That’s what it means to me; what the festivities can give

Is everyone’s permission to take the time to just live
Having this time with my loved ones I love and cherish time more

And make the most of who I’m with now, not who I lost before

Moments are deceiving as time dances away, it’s okay

Kindness spreads like sun-kissed footsteps on a frozen day

Taking the time in its moment, not to forget, but push through

I can revel in misadventure… because I will have you
Sunlight bursts, dancing over everything

On days at home with you my heart’s full enough to sing

Because my rose-tinted world, my delight in small things

Is my gift to myself before the new year begins

Apprehension knocks

A poem about the realisation that it’ll be okay, overcoming heartbreak and anxiety with a best friend

Apprehension sits
Like a weight on my chest
Parroting my every thought
With ghosts of ‘What if?’
Apprehension waits
Sitting heavy on my thoughts
Mimicking my every move
With whispers of a myth

Apprehension knocks
At my ribs with my heart
Echoing the panic
That’s hidden by a laugh
Apprehension trips
Over my tongue with clumsy
Repeats of ‘perhaps’
And the words from the past

Apprehension tangles
Knotting my fingers together
As they search for safety
Hunting for something, just speak
Apprehension strangles
Knitting my thoughts together
As they twist and turn
Hunting for something, just speak

Apprehension leaves
In a whisper of a smile
As you lock eyes with me
As I remember what we had
Apprehension walks
Limping in retreat
As I miss you but love you
For your kindness I’m glad

Apprehension sleeps
Forty winks of peace
As your company comforts
And your laughter delights
Apprehension falls away
As I realise I don’t want you
But I Love you
It’s a small step back to life